Lost Ninja’s

Yes I got to the raid, after venting here I logged back into WoW to find I was wanted after all, we downed a boss in Naxx (non HC) so not much of an achievement for most but for us it seemed to be, the next ‘boss’ wooped us good so the evening wasn’t that great.

As for the rest, leaving the vitriol aside I stand by it all.

When I look at the shit that happens to other people I know in my head that I’m not that badly off but its still very hard to reconcile living like I do for the rest of my life, something has to give at some point. And I really don’t want locking up (mental or prison) to stop that break from hurting others physically… mentally I guess will have to look after itself.

Not much of a title I’ll agree but couldn’t put what I wanted without scaring off my non-existant readers… To quote a certain theme tune: “…Well, it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year….” (Rembrandts IIRC). Just had a fairly shitty day and then I’m waiting round for the 2nd shift of my WoW guilds 10 man Naxx raid to be called… Only wait we don’t need you. But they didn’t bother actually saying anything, couldn’t they have made the decision and just said?

FFS

Been trying to gear myself up so I can actually help out on raids and stuff but it seems that everyone else is far better equiped and skilled and not hindered by a frankly shitty internet connection… (’The internet is fine for me, therefor its all we need…’ - My father). My new mouse which I love mainly is also buggereing around with the wifi as well which is even better.

Can my life actually get more fun and interesting? Seriously I’m so close to just going postal ATM that I think I ought to be locked up for everyones safety.

They say that depression is anger without enthusiasm, at the moment I have huge amounts of anger that are just aching to leave and cause a ruction, even if I know that in the long run the only person who ends up hurt is me.

I’m unable to be who I am. The medical profession either can’t or won’t help. Depends on who I talk to. I don’t get the point of a mythical entity who I can witter at but who does nothing tangible to help. God is a crutch to so many people, how I envy them their safe little god fearing lives. I just fear life.

I hate being who I am, its a matter of record, I spend my entire time trying to be someone I’m not. For my parents who want a nice, safe heterosexual child and maybe some grandkids down the line. For the outside world who I pretend that I’m fairly normal if a little eccentric. Hell I even try to pretend to myself that I’m coping… Who the hell do I really kid I wonder?

My mum knows how I feel I think, leastways ifshe doesn’t she’s a helluva lot less sensitive than I thought… Still shes not sensitive enough to know how much it hurts to have to lie about everything you are to everyone to maintain a fiction of a life.

Stupid thing is when I was a kid I lied a lot, stole was generally a bad kid… She said to me several times she wouldn’t trust anything I said, would have to check outside if I said it was raining… Sadi i couldn’t distinguish fact from fiction. Yet now its her problem she’d have me live a lie rather than upset her own safe existance. As for my dad, last time I saw a medical professional (shrink) I made it quite clear that I don’t feel that I was neglected as a kid. Yes another damned lie.

He never had time for me, made promises he never kept, now has he changed unless he has something to tell me he hardly ever speaks to me… somedays I feel invisible… maybe that’d be nice I could wear what I wanted and look like a complete fucking head case and i’d still feel completely fucking alone…

I feel so freaking lonely, I have no friends, human touch for me is a stuffed toy…

I just wish I was brave enough to sort my issues out but I’m not. someone please put me out of my misery.

Yeah I’m back…

Well not that I have been away but as I mentioned in my last post I have been busy, what with? Well:

• New laptop
  Bought a nice cheap Lenovo laptop with most of the rest of the money I inherited from my Grandpa, its not that powerful or awesome but its something I have been wanting for a long time. Ideally I wanted one that would play some of my MMOs on but what with the price point I had to go with that looked less than likely. After a bit of research I bought a Lenovo 3000 n500 (Ebuyer.com) cost me a little over £350. (This one is Vista/XP and mine was just Vista). Which is the only rub, I want to move it back to XP as I’m not a fan of Vista (I now find) but don’t have a license for XP. Still I have Kubuntu on there which is great.
• City of Heroes
  In the last installment of this rather pointless blog, Imentioned that I was enjoying CoH. However such is no longer true, I’m officially bored of the game and while I might return for i14 its looking more and more likely that it’ll be i15 or perhaps never.
• World of Warcraft
  Finally got my dwarven hunter to level 80 the other day (main reason for updating my blog now). Ëllen (formerly Lionel) is now trying to get geared to start raiding. I also have a level 75 death knight and some others I plan on levelling to 80, but as before after working hard to get there I’m now a little on the bored side and unwilling to play much.
• Back when I had my first ever PC (Escom 486SX 100Mhz) I used to play a game called Transport Tycoon. Its a god sim that lets you build a transport firm from the start in 1950 (IIRC) to the games end in 2050. Back then I had it on floppy disc, but there was a later edition (Deluxe) that added some game enhancements and came on CD. I bought one at some point but by that point I had found other stuff to occupy my time I never really got back into it.
  When I was playing around with Kubuntu on my laptop I found a freeware (its not) version which could be used through linux. Then I found it online too… Haven’t slept much recently due to my soon world spanning transport empire…

Other than that I have done some reading (David Brin mainly) and some writing (nothing much) and done little else. Depression has been bad since christmas, partly due to becoming an uncle for the first time I think and partly due to lack of hope that my life might get even slightly bettter in any meaningful manner.

Oh god too much to play at once…

Okay last week I reactivated my World of Warcraft accounts and bought a copy of Wrath of the Lich King. Been playing that since Friday now and its awesome. I have a Death Knight, which is one of the new Heroic Classes (I assume they’ll add more later) and a mixture of Warlock, Warrior & Paladin its not my favorite class yet. Lionel is of my favorite class and last night I got him to 72, earned about 200g and got some more skill points in engineering. I also plan on levelling some of my alts today so I can build rested XP on my mains…

Speaking of which i13 came out yesterday for City of Heroes and it now includes a feature that is to all intents and purposes rested XP. Though in CoH its called patrol XP (no idea why), patrol XP is in addition to buffs and badges earned by logging out in certain places, the one most of my characters will look to earn is the one that rewards bonus prestige. Because another change is a whole raft of base part repricing which while everything has become much cheaper means there is so much more I can afford to do.

I won’t be updating this blog for several months… I have far too much to do.

Oh not here…

Or, well, actually just down the road in the village that I nominally live in has recently been filmed, some or all of the 2008 ASDA Christmas adverts. All the people you see in the adverts are people who live in my village, no Julie Walters this year but I know most of the people who do appear. Looking for a clip but here are some photos.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tom_holmes/sets/72157608397507525/

Finally arrived, Red and Grey-ish look nice, feel nice though at £17 not sure how long they’ll last… until I can afford some really good ones at any rate.

From Cotton Traders in the Brick Red Colour.

Now I can hopefully start walking a bit more, at least without having my feet soaked when it rains.

Thanks to Lord Devil the VoIP is paid until the new year, by which time I hope either to be working myself and thus be able to afford to pay for my opwn server, or to have found a cheaper/better host… but the way the worl is at the moment I don’t even know if the internet will survive that long.

All trace of TF2 has been removed from the forums (that I can see) and will remain that way for the foreseeable future.

I have added a CoH section that will be expanded over the coming weeks, prior to a full blown Macr/Bind guide being added sometime either just after or just before the release of i13. The intention being that I can check and update anything that changes with that. I’ll also update the command list page I have on the files section.

On other fronts I have at least two more characters that are pushing at my brain for inclusion on my never getting to Whateley team (that is they won’t get there as I am a little dissillusioned with complete lack of comment on the existing work).

I finally took delivery of my expensive American Base Layer… I didn’t mention it here before as I wasn’t sure what I was buying, however its now in my possesion. It is overlong in the arms, the neck isn’t quite as advertised and the body itself is too short. And as they don’t actually make these for people with my body shape I’ll not be buying another… The next I have already enquired about, similar price but made to measure with only ten days from order to reciept, hopefully a much better item altogether.

And also hopefully getting some new walking boots for Christmas (though actually getting them soon as they’re ordered… Which unless my mother has done so already I will be doing tomorrow morning. That will mean I can walk without getting too cold/wet which I’m looking forward to.

• My coat I bought with an inheritance.
• Walking Tights - Some I’ve had for a while others came out of the inheritance.
• Base Layer - Bought Online (see above)
• Boots soon with luck…

I may be soon walking again and getting healthier that way but I’m also determined to shed what weight I can even though a recently seen therapist won’t help me remove other excess weight. In the mean time I’m using a friends rowing machine to help in my quest for fitness…

More as it occurrs to me.

Sadly my TF2 server will be going down in the not too distant future (it may be down now) while it was fun to play around with its not really worth having for so little use. I tended to play on more populous servers. So as it is something I no longer feel like shouting about I decided to update the front page (I might get round to the forums sometime too) and get rid of all the branding…

Instead I figured I’d post some links to things I like to look at/buy/read/etc.

The vent thing is broken not sure why and I’ll possibly fix it sometime too.

Vent lasts till Nov 1st after which point it will most likely move to a new host, as I have found one which offers double the slots for the same price as it is now… so half price.

Based on WS’ Twelfth Night, good film for my birthday… what can I say I like chick flicks. :S

Set in the Whateley Accademy Universe, where mutants and magicians roam free. My fanfic follows the journey through life of a young mutant bred to fight and born to kill. While she may never actually reach the school itself… hell I might not write any more. I do plan on doing so.

Cleo - The Beginning :: Parts 1 & 2